Emptiness

Growing up as an innocent young girl, cradled in all the luxuries one could expect in late the Eighties, never was I told not to look at life through rose tinted glasses. The toughest lessons of life then, were ensuring that exams were not a hurdle too high, small disappointments like an argument with a bestie was a speck in what was to lie ahead, but who knew that back then?

The growing up years flew by and before you know it, the flings in college were a thing of the past…no longer did breakfast, lunch and dinner mean the college canteen and slowly but steadily, the memorable youth festival days and the competitive intercollegiate fests were a distant memory.

Life takes another twist with responsibility, work and juggling a house, until the romantic side of me surfaced again…this time for my beloved. It was back in a college setting that I found my soul mate..! Competitive spirits always high also meant that I participated in the lectures, debated concepts, shared real life work experiences and topped the class in the MBA project and viva. In the same class was a quiet but rather endearing person, who had the attention of all when he spoke, was the professor’s favourite student and a walking talking encyclopedia. In the 2.5 years of studies, somewhere along, I gave him my heart, my soul and myself.

As always the friendship blossomed into romance and after a few hurdles that are at best forgotten, we embarked upon another journey called married life.
Life was never meant to be easy, small little issues meant trust was the hardest part of the adjustment….but like every other couple after a few fights, lots of tears and wondering if we’re better off without one another, we discovered our rhythm and settled into life cocooned in bliss and happiness.

Never was it guaranteed to be a bed of roses, never was I promised the heaven and earth. Even with out kids in the foray after 7 years of marriage, the talk amongst our closest was that we were honeymooning. Life was indeed good and contentment was everywhere.. It was just the perfect life of DINKS for any one to see – holidays galore, hobbies and of course our life was brimming with love and admiration for each other.

Either the effect of evil eyes like they say, or was this to be short lived happiness, I can’t say…but there was enough hurt for me to feel hollow and empty. A bit of self pity set in, the evergreen question “why me” crossed my lips a hundred thousand times and the enthusiasm with which I greeted each day seemed to vanish out of the blue. The colours of the rainbow turned dark and all that I could see was threatening storm clouds….my life jacket was snatched away from me and I was being tossed around in the choppy seas. The vibrant colors I noticed hours ago changed and the soft wisps of clouds that always floated in my life disappeared, while the emptiness within me became overwhelming.

His one wrong step into the world of deception, crushed me. I had lived for him, fulfilling every wish of his, supporting him in a multitude of roles. I switched from mother to nurse to sister to wife and dosed the 7 years of our life with an ample sprinkling of being the girlfriend, the make believe mistress and many more avatars!

After all of this, one wrong move, chats with a (friend) on social media turned my world upside down as I hadn’t seen this coming – an affair in the offing? Wanting a mobile number so that he could speak to her sometime and then stating that he needed to meet her, complete with expectations and seeking confirmation that she wanted the same.

Was I cocooned in my own world, was I so content in my relationship or was it the plain fact that men will be men? Whatever the case may be, as usual he swore that he loved me and that he had just strayed without the intention. To believe or not to believe, the precious glass heart this romantic girl carried had fallen and shattered before her eyes. Will he be able to fix it for the little girl? Will he keep his promise he made during the wedding wows he took with this girl who hung to him for support and security, with only admiration in her eyes for him. Did he deserve the pedestal she had placed him on for all these years? He sure does know what this means when he is surrounded by his loved ones and she embarks a journey for him, with him and by him? Will he slowly but steadily rebuild and fix the broken bits?

Where ever this leads us, together or on our own separate journeys, I feel hollow in me. The very essence of my womanhood seems to have been rudely plucked away by the one I trusted my life with, my happiness with and the one I chose to give my heart to. Is this love, is this commitment and is this until death do us apart, I ask as emptiness engulfs me.

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